I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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