Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
