My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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