I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Randomize
