apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
