I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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