The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
