Swine flu. Run for my life!
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
