Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
