i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
