Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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