I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
