I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
