yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
