Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
even my farts smell like vagina
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
