He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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