Pants 0. Shit 1.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
