I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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