Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
