you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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