you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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