i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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