Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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