They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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