Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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