Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
