thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
