i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
