When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
