Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
