I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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