Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
