the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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