she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
