Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
