My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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