She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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