I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
