my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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