and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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