i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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