I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
