Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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