Will you blow on my dice?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
