mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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