i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Randomize
