i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
