I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
