i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
