Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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