One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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