it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
