I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
