I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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