I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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