ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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