I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
