Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
