i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
