Im at strip club and am horny
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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