He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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