I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Randomize
